Too often, those who don’t have ADD or ADHD, may have no real clues what it is like to have that diagnosis. Patients remind me of what it feels like to grow up knowing that there is something wrong with them but they hear comments from parents, teachers, family members and friends that all they have to do is “try harder”. They are told that they are lazy, stupid, or “not working up to your potential”.
Many patients with ADD or ADHD, are not stupid, nor lazy. They speak poignantly about the pain and suffering of working as hard as they could and still not accomplishing their goals which leads to an overwhelming sense of dejection.
Once they make a decision to seek professional help, this oftentimes changes. One patient told me this week after starting medication, “now I don’t go into things expecting to fail”. How powerful a statement. Imagine going into tasks with a pervasive sense of doom knowing that you are not ignorant, yet not being able to perform to the best of your ability? Perhaps it would be like entering a clapping contest with one hand tied behind your back, or running in the Indy 500 with a 4 cylinder engine while most of the other cars had 8 cylinders.
What is key here is for those who are in relationship with someone that may have ADD or ADHD, to have patience, awareness, understanding and compassion for their friends, family and or loved ones that may have this diagnosis. If they have not sought treatment, have a conversation with them and encourage them to contact someone who understands what that might feel like.
As always, I welcome your questions, comments, and feedback.
For me, diagnosis was a huge relief. My job requires me to interact with a lot of people, and my problems with inattention were putting a huge strain on those interactions. My friends always joke that by the time people finish saying their names I’ve already forgotten them, but in a professional situation that’s not so funny. I thought the fact that I never remembered things people told me about themselves meant I was selfish, and it really bothered me.
That and other issues — like being excited about a project and getting everything ready only to lose interest before completing it (or sometimes even starting it) or being too overwhelmed by small tasks to make the most of my time off — all amounted to a really poor self-image. It frustrated me that the person I am every day doesn’t match the person I consider myself to be. I’m working on reconciling those two images, and it helps a lot to know those problems might not be a reflection of my personality and that I might not always have to feel that way.
Hi EF,
Thank you for your very poignant comment. I have heard similar feelings from others who expressed relief after seeing me and being diagnosed with either ADD or ADHD. They express gratitude knowing that while others may have told them that their symptoms were related to environmental factors, that in reality they had a neurobiological disorder and with proper combination of medication, coaching, therapy, exercise etc. they could function as well as their peers and lead a normal life. One can only have compassion for anyone who has labored under the problems caused from inattentiveness, carelessness, poor follow through, disorganization, task avoidance and distractibility. I never forget when someone is contacting me, it is because whatever coping mechanism they have been using isn’t working as well and they are needing professional assistance.
Thanks again for your feedback.
Larry
Often times I’ll find myself in the middle of a task, forgetting what it was that I was supposed to be doing. The worst part for me is when I have a question or statement and someone is in the middle of talking. I’ve been told that I was rude on several occasions because I tend to blurt it out in fear that I’ll forget it otherwise. And with teachers telling you to hold your questions, you feel like a complete idiot when they finally call on you and you have already forgotten what you were going to say. And sometimes they’ll say it must not have been all that important if I’ve forgotten it so easily. And racking my brain for that information while dreading being called on before I can remember so I don’t irritate my teacher by saying “I don’t know,” also distracts me from that part of the lesson itself. And then they’ll get on to me for having questions on that bit as well. “I just answered that!” And sometimes, I’ll remember it after the teacher has already called on me and I told her I didn’t remember. And while she has just started up again, “Wait! I remember now!” Facepalm. Some of these teachers had serious grudges against me. I think they thought I was being disruptive. Oh and when I do remember my question before I’m called on, I must repeat it over and over again in my head until I’m called on so that it doesn’t escape from me. Sorry if this post is confusing, I’ve edited it to the best of my ability. I haven’t been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD but I have a strong suspicion that it might be so. And I’ve also experienced that hyper-something or other thing where you intensely focus on something. And I get irritated when I’m interrupted because I lose my train of thought.
Hi Kira,
Many thanks for expressing so vividly, what it feels like to have ADD. Those who are what I refer to as “normies” often struggle with having the kind of awareness of what ADD feels like or the machinations that ADD folks have to go through throughout the day…such as repeating something over and over in your head, because if you don’t, you’ll lose it. Or blurting something out when talking to someone else, because again your “working memory” or ability to hold multiple thoughts in the cue, is almost nil. Yes, there is some embarrassment when these things happen, or a friend or colleague will suggest that you contact an ADHD/ADD specialist for consultation. I would offer that same encouragement and tell you that there is no need to suffer needlessly. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you much success.
Kira and Larry
I couldnt have said it better myself! This impulsive need to blur things out was always my problem, especially in my last relationship, where my ex wouldnt understand why I always interrupting him , called me rude, told me to let him speak and then ill have my turn. By the time he was done talking all i wanted to do was cry out of frustration because I forgot everything I wanted to say and he did not understand it. I almost started writing things down when were fighting so that I would remember them when it was my turn to speak! lol now i laugh at it but it wasnt funny back then.
For me living with ADD feels SO frustrating, that constant feeling that I am forgetting something, that restlessness inside that makes you tap your fingers, pick on your cuticles , check your phone every 30 seconds (even if it means getting in trouble at work) The frustration of having have to sit in one place for 2 hours when all you can think of is wanting to scream and jump out of your skin (especially true at school or any type of meeting)
Living with ADD for me is like there are bits and pieces of information in my head and they float around and I randomly grab at them, try to organize them, and then move to another one. It also creates a lot of anxiety about things that need to be done. The impulsivity is really what gets me in trouble and what people dont understand, yes I can probably help it ,yes I can sit in one place, keep my mouth shut, try to stay on one task, but it feels like TORTURE to me, I am not being dramatic when I say I often felt like I was on the verge of crying when I had to do mundane tasks, it felt like I had to get that energy out somehow or I would cry. Living with ADD is losing things all the time, feeling like a terrible parent because you just cannot sit there and play with dolls with your daughter for more than 10 minutes before remembering something that needs to be done or just needing a distraction. Or I make a grocery list, leave it at home, go to the store by 10 things I didnt need and forgot the milk or cereal for her breakfast, or both.
As a child with ADD I always heard the teachers say to my mom “Shes a smart and very bright girl but she doesnt pay attention..” (or she just doesnt try, or she constantly interrupts the class etc..) after a while I sort of tuned myself out and going to school was 8 hours of being in a haze. Taking a test is also a torture, usually the first one to leave the class even if it means getting some answers wrong due to just skipping through questions.
ADD means making careless mistakes at work that could cost you your job (especially as a nurse) and it makes you look like a lazy slacker.
There are so many things that are affected by ADD , even writing this I switched windows at least 15 times (i HAD to check my bank website, read a forum, check facebook go get water, use the bathroom etc etc) its sad because, like someone else said on a different website, you feel like you never reached your full potential.
ADD also causes hyperfocus, in my case if I like a book I will sit there and read for 10-12 hours straight if I can, or ideally I would read non stop. Reading a good book quiets my mind, I dont have to think of anything else, just the narrator and story, one voice at a time, its my escape and I hear a lot of ADD people get lost in an activity they like for hours
. Anyway enough of my ramblings
Getting diagnosed was a huge relief, maybe because I felt less of a loser and underachiever and not so totally crazy. Im sorry this is so long, I never wrote about my ADD before (never really felt the need) but I came across this website and I wanted to share, maybe it will help someone relate and get diagnosed and ultimately improve their quality of life. I took a non stimulant medication and it helped for a while, I was finally able to sit still and write my notes, everything was done at work, i wasnt panicking at the end of the day because i underestimated the time it would take me to complete my work. Then the medication stopped working. Last week my MD started me on Adderall and its been quite an experience and Im not sure I like it.. Anyway good luck to all of my fellow ADDers 🙂
I recently consulted a psychologist and the first day itself he told me i don’t have ADD. But i am not so sure about that. I am extremely disorganized. I can never plan things and execute them properly. I find it hard to concentrate while studying. My mind wanders about ans day dreams or gets distracted very easily. I forget to submot my assoghnments.. i am very forgetfull about many things and my academic performance is bad. But the psychologist just said that i have no fear in me about anything and that makes me unruly and nothing else. But i find it wrong.. because of these problems i end up in depression and anxiety. Please help me? Now even my parents wont listen to me.
Hi Namrata,
Just because one psychologist meets with you and decides that he doesn’t think you have ADHD doesn’t mean that he’s right and you are wrong. I can’t tell you how many clients have come to me after seeing another mental health provider who either missed the ADHD or misdiagnosed it. Oftentimes they have had other diagnosis and been prescribed a multitude of medications/herbs/nutraceuticals that didn’t work. Finally in desperation they sought out someone who was an ADHD specialist and they found something that worked.
Please look for a specialist in your community or go to CHADD.org and look under their Professional Resource Guide to help you.
I wish you best of luck and thanks for your note.
Larry Eckman
So.. I had been reading a lot about ADD which ended up with me taking a trip down to a specialist.. I’m 30yrs young and I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADD… I have to say, I can relate to so much of the things being conveyed on here.. especially the first post.. about two different images of the same person or something like that.. I feel the same.. everyone my whole life has told me that I’m really smart and I agree.. I mean I’m not dumb, I just have a way about me snd unfortunately because of this way about me, my choices haven’t always been the best due to my erratically impulsive behavior as well as my poor ability to follow through on things and complete things that I honestly should have a long time ago.. for the longest time, I’ve hated myself for being so complacent about everything, my teachers in school often said I was smart but didn’t try, in 4th grade my teacher said I “just shut down” in 6th grade two of them thought I was just dumb… and in 10th grade history teacher said I was lethargic. But the more I read up on this the more and more it all started to make sense, like how I would set goals for myself only to sabotage myself by procrastinating and not completing them or kill my entire day being so engaged in one activity that I forgot to do other things that needed to get done. My motivation will be level 10 only to fizzle out as soon as I forget why I was initially motivated in the first place and a lot of times I start things and never follow through. I’ve hated that about myself for letting the waves take me as opposed to actively riding the waves. Living this way has sucked, seeing others with the same capacity as you pass you by especially when seeing others that you know don’t quite measure up and still pass you, It’s heartbreaking. Often times I would wonder why I was the way I was, why I was so forgetful, why I procrastinate so damn hard. Why my way of thinking and my outlook on life were different from my actions. Or why I would get so annoyed when ppl are slow talkers and I just want them to get to the point faster and in attempts to not be rude I sit there painfully trying not to rush them or interrupt casually saying “ah huh and then?” Playing it off as I begin to feel my back muscles tense up cuz that antsy feeling is crawling up my neck making me wanna jump out of my skin or claw the skin on my forehead in desperation.. worst feeling ever having to sit for long extended periods of time and getting that indescribable feeling in your body that if you don’t move or at least twitch you’re gonna freaking lose it… At least now I know, it wasn’t totally my fault. Life with ADD is like running at the speed of light only to find out your mind was the only one running at the speed of light while your body dragad miles behind.